so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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