I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
