just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
