there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
