Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
