Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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