She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
