And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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