I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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