you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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