you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
