Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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