Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
