You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
