I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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