How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
