WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
