I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
