if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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