New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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