So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
