having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
