Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
