Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
