and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
