you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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