I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
