im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
