drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
