I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
