As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
