its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
