I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
