i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
