he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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