i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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