i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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