Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
