Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
