ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
