He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
