I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
