Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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