I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
