So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
