Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
