omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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