Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
