like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
