You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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