How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
