the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
