Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
